Tags
Adultery, china, Er Nai, Infidelity, Mistress, prostitution, Second Wives, Sex in China, Wives
After all what caring wife doesn't want to meet her husband's concubines? Quite a few as it turns out.
If my last post made it seem like the second wife concept is all “plain sailing” for men and the women in their lives, it may have been misleading. One of the main factors cited in corruption cases in China is “the mistress made me do it” defense. Xu Qiyai who headed up the Jiangsiu Construction Bureau back in the year 2000, was found to have nearly 100 “bits on the side” when his business dealings came under the spotlight for being somewhat shady.
Figures from the investigative unit of the judiciary handling corruption cases in China, show that 90% or more of all corrupt officials have a mistress on the go. One city in Sichuan even issued an edict ordering local officials to be faithful to their wives. And in one horrific case a man in Hubei was arrested on suspicion of slaughtering his er nai, who was pregnant at the time with twins, after she gave him an ultimatum of either marrying her or paying her a sum of 2 million RMB (approx. $300,000 USD) in compensation.
When the second wife gets tough, the tough get stealing...
Here in Shenzhen, it is suspected that there are a half a million women acting as “second wives” to Hong Kong businessmen, with whole districts of the city accommodating these working girls who get a nice apartment and around $600-1,000 USD a month in spending money from their sometime lovers. This means that their take home pay including benefits is nearly 6 – 8 times that of an ordinary factory worker (the most common profession in the city).
You can even buy a guide book in Hong Kong detailing where to hang out and find yourself a second wife. There are in depth discussions of how much a woman should be paid, and what she should be expected to deliver in exchange for it. The railway line from Hong Kong has been nicknamed; “the concubine express.”
This has caused enormous embarrassment to the government of Guangdong province (which includes Shenzhen and Guangzhou – two of China’s mega cities). So legislation has been passed in the province to make long-term cohabitation illegal, it’s not been very effective in fairness – prosecutions are fleetingly rare and normally only made after a series of complaints about an individual(s).
Not all wives are happy about the arrangement of er nai’s either. There is a thriving trade in mistress killings, where criminal gangs arrange the removal of the second wife for a fee. In one famous case, a businessman advertised online for a fake mistress, so that his wife could beat her up and not his real lover. The (un)lucky applicant was paid 4,000 RMB for a ten minute kicking.
Go on give her a slap, I've paid her enough to take it... thank god for abuse-bay.com
Second wives can also be pretty unhappy when the time comes to end the affair, after all most of them have no other job and have squandered their youth and beauty on a man who is cheating on his wife. This means they can become very, very demanding at the close with expectations of large pay offs. The Chinese legal system is likely to amend the marriage laws ensuring that mistresses are entitled to nothing, and has already rescinded payments to second wives and ordered the return of funds to the actual wife.
So in reality, China’s not so different from the rest of the world – infidelity may have become the norm again, after a long break under the first flourishes of socialism, but it doesn’t make for an easy life for everyone.
I actually have a student who boasts about his 2 girlfriends in addition to his wife. He’s been reprimanded several times by staff for doing it during class discussions. He says he’s giving the other men a benchmark to live up to but I think he’s a douche and apparently so do most of the young men and women.
I think it’s much less tolerated by younger people – mainly because many of them are yet to get married or achieve much by themselves. It’s later in life as peer pressure between generations exerts himself that they are likely to find this behaviour more acceptable – I think at least.
Thanks for that though, it’s nice to see that at least somone is being spanked for bad behaviour. 🙂
I’ve been living in Shenzhen’s Futian district for 1.5 years. The compound where I lived was nicknamed “concubine housing estate”. On weekends and at night you normally see 50 to 60 year old Hong Kong guys (judging from their accent when speaking Mandarin) together with 20 something old Mainland girls. It’s somewhat sad, but as you said – when you compare the “salaries” for a mistress and a factory worker the choice isn’t too hard….
One reason why “er nai” are especially found in China might be cultural/historical. After all, China had a history of men taking concubines who also lived in the household together with the wife and children. In imperial China when the supreme wife got old, she even arranged concubines for her husband. This is not the case in Western countries with a Christian background as Christianity doesn’t allow having multiple wives.
I’m still fascinated by Chinese, especially Hong Kong, men who take on mistresses. I can hardly managed one wife. How can they handle two or three?
I hear you on that, one wife is more than enough for me too. It’s quite strange though I know plenty of people who want to emulate that life – but it looks like too much hard work. Sneaking around, using multiple phones, etc. No thanks.
I tell people I know, that they should have stayed single if they want multiple women – after all marriage is a life sentence… and one that makes me very happy.
In reply to Basti,
Do you really think that the phenomena of having a mistress does not happen or ‘allow’ in Western countries with a Christian background because Christianity doesn’t allow having multiple wives??? Geeeeez, man GROW UP!! Over the last decades in US, Europe, Africa all over the globe so called holy mens have been exposed of cheating on their wives and their mistresses exposed publicly. Just do a random search on Google and you get more than enough information’ this blog-post only covers a tip of the iceberg lest alone matrimonial matters. Read: http://thedailyvoice.com/voice/2009/08/cheating-ministers-exposed-002228.php.
The worst skeleton is even the sex abuse and molestation of young children by the Roman Church not to mention Pastors having fathered numerous children’s while having vowed celibacy. And this is a reason why world-wide all Churches and various beliefs are loosing their followers due to their faltering spiritual and political leaders.
Families falling apart due egocentric personality, bad parenting, domestic & sexual abuse, war or total lack of common sense due to ill environment. You name it, it is all out there visible in the open, Internet, for our own eyes but majority like you is either blind or unconsciously close their eyes. Because if you are witnessing you should morally undertake an action by denouncing wrong behavior for the sake of maintaining a healthy society. In case your fascination is a silent cover of adoration in secret, because you might not be able or in a position to do so……Geeezz, even worse and makes my stomach churn even more.
Please do NOT act or speak more Roman than the Pope by making claims or statements based on Christianity when it’s an act of disgrace and only engulfs more discordance.
For your knowledge Imperial China is no more, since the fall and rise of Communist Party becoming a Republic it has taken on One Wife and One Child policy. Adultery needs to be condemned with criminal consequences made punishable in compensation to ‘broken’ families and infidelity addressed, because more than often the children’s are suffering the most either born in or out of wedlock.
Hi Wang, try and keep the comments less personal in the future please. I like your addition to the debate though – you’re right there are problems elsewhere in the world (all over it) with sexual morality too. This blog is neither intended as pro- or anti- China but rather to give people food for thought around local traditions and customs. I’m deliberately not setting up comparisons with other countries because it’s a fruitless exercise – every country has its good points and every country has its bad ones. So, I’m aiming more for understanding than praise or condemnation.
Thank you for your comments – they are much appreciated. 🙂
Hi Nicholas, thanks for the post and sharing my thoughts however a comparison was made not on China but what one perceives as ‘local, tradition or customs’ and just to make it clear the issue of “er nai or mistress” is painful to all women worldwide. Your aim is noble to create a platform for understanding, the replies you receive are giving an insight what really is going in one’s mind and matters to a wider public when the answers instigates a wrong picture.
I completely agree – and I don’t censor people who want to express contrary viewpoints to my own or other commentors. I appreciate where you’re coming from and am glad you feel free to as well. It’s great to have people get involved and bring a different slant to a debate/comment section. Thank you. 🙂
This is a well-done article about the second wife phenomenon, and second wife community, in Shenzhen. I earlier wrote an article that mentions this interesting phenomenon, which was based on an actual conversation with a taxi driver in Hong Kong who had a second wife in Shenzhen. Your article, however, presented a more thorough exposition on this “anomaly” of culture, if I may so characterize it.
Thanks very much, it’s much appreciated. 🙂
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Just saw WangWa’s reply.
I’m not at all saying that it adultery doesn’t happen in Western countries. There are men cheating on their wives in Western countries as well.
Still, religious beliefs, philosophy and ways of living in the past still has profound effects on our societies and behavior today (e.g. Asian family orientation vs. Western individualism). That explains why you have “second wives” here, whereas you have “affairs” in the Western world (again, I’m not saying one is better compared to the other).
It is also a fact that polygamy wasn’t as widely practiced in the Western countries (let’s leave the Mormons out of the discussion) compared to imperial China (which just ended 100 years ago). Hence, cheating on the partner in the West is normally less “formalized” compared to Asia where you set up your second wife in her own flat, pay her a monthly allowance, etc (basically make her a concubine). That doesn’t make cheating in China better or worse compared to the west of course. I don’t think the author’s intention was to discuss the moral issues of having a “er nai” or affairs, that’s why I won’t comment on your second part. Just one thing: As a staunch atheist I take your comment of being more “Roman than the Pope” (I guess you meant “holy”) as an insult….
Your replies only confirms again by implying, instigating a very clear distinction between the West and East thereby emphasizing on “formalization” as a form of acceptance on cultural historical grounds. Which I strongly oppose and dare to say you are misconstruing and making a cultural diversity error.
Even in societies where extramarital relationships are casual and fleeting, a degree of secrecy and discretion usually surrounds the activities to minimize marital disruptions. Only the rich of financially secured businessman’s who can afford to maintain a young mistress in her own apartment. This is often seen in multitude examples in International Movies, TV drama’s, gossip magazines etc. Although in China it’s made a comeback due to the rise of prosperity and clustering of mistresses to keep family life separate, but in the rich Western countries it always has been en vogue for hundreds of years.
No need to dig deep in European or America’s history for e.g. French President Mitterrand had a long-standing mistress, British, German politicians as well as famous US presidents and businessman’s dating from 17th century till present, that’s almost four centuries of a long list of men. And of course we can dig up a list of famous women of which I’m almost certain it will be significantly smaller in number.
Think I have clearly proven; firstly, that not culture but history is on my hand of evidence that ego, power & money, greed in excess are the main ingredients to corrupt fidelity and morality. Read more: Infidelity – Cross-cultural Perspectives – Family, Sex, and Extramarital – JRank Articles http://family.jrank.org/pages/883/Infidelity-Cross-Cultural-Perspectives.html#ixzz1lE47YgaX
Secondly “Er Nai, means literally 2nd wife but common understanding as Mistress, it’s existence is painful to all women and stressful for families worldwide.”
Thirdly: Funny that you take insult in the saying, I would have suspected the last phrase in the preceding paragraph. It only shows how divers we are in the way we perceive and observer the world around us.
Thanks for your time to read and understand, much appreciated
Your replies only confirms again by implying, instigating a very clear distinction between the West and East thereby emphasizing on “formalization” as a form of acceptance on cultural historical grounds. Which I strongly oppose and dare to say you are misconstruing and making a cultural diversity error.
Even in societies where extramarital relationships are casual and fleeting, a degree of secrecy and discretion usually surrounds the activities to minimize marital disruptions. Only the rich of financially secured businessman’s who can afford to maintain a young mistress in her own apartment. This is often seen in multitude examples in International Movies, TV drama’s, gossip magazines etc. Although in China it’s made a comeback due to the rise of prosperity and clustering of mistresses to keep family life separate, but in the rich Western countries it always has been en vogue for hundreds of years.
No need to dig deep in European or America’s history for e.g. French President Mitterrand had a long-standing mistress, British, German politicians as well as famous US presidents and businessman’s dating from 17th century till present, that’s almost four centuries of a long list of men. And of course we can dig up a list of famous women of which I’m almost certain it will be significantly smaller in number.
Think I have clearly proven; firstly, that not culture but history is on my hand of evidence that ego, power & money, greed in excess are the main ingredients to corrupt fidelity and morality. Read more: Infidelity – Cross-cultural Perspectives – Family, Sex, and Extramarital – JRank Articles http://family.jrank.org/pages/883/Infidelity-Cross-Cultural-Perspectives.html#ixzz1lE47YgaX
Secondly “Er Nai, means literally 2nd wife but common understanding as Mistress, it’s existence is painful to all women and stressful for families worldwide.”
Thirdly: Funny that you take insult in the saying, I would have suspected the last phrase in the preceding paragraph. It only shows how divers we are in the way we perceive and observer the world around us.
Thanks for your time to read and understanding, just realized I’m the only female who has responded on the post so far.
No, you’re wrong. With “formalization” I didn’t refer to social or cultural acceptance (that is long gone). I doubt that a wife in the 21st century will accept her husband having a second wife. But the fact remains that Shenzhen’s “er nai villages” remain unheard of in other countries.
I’m also fairly skeptical about your remark that ego, power, money and greed in excess are the main ingredients. I’ve seen a lot of men without big ego, money and greed to cheat on their wives (and vice versa). As to the source you mention – you can find a source for anything on the internet.
Anyway, I shall leave this conversation and reply on Nicholas newest post. By the way, you just stole my topic. I wanted to blog about this tomorrow……
One of the advantages if you travel extensively around Asia and stay long enough for a longer conversation, grasping a true feel and vibe of what lives and breathes. Shenzhen is not an exception nor an anomaly, it occurs in Singapore too where instead it’s Batam for your information, not from the Internet but actual fact. It’s good to confirm we agree on the topic of a lot of cheating men:), we share the same opinion.
As for sources as long as the viewer keeps an ‘open mind’, apparently you haven’t realized but you have stated more times no and not both negatives adding to skepticism it shows that you are annoyed not willing to ‘listen nor hear’ that my address is focused on existence of ‘mistresses’ throughout the centuries and world not only in Shenzen, China. I had refuted your assumption being based on cultural and historical grounds.
You don’t need to, but say yes -smile or grin- agree with me on this:).
I’m not surprised it also happens in Singapore – similar culture. Just thinking whether I’ve heard of any second wife districts in London, Berlin, New York, L.A…. hmmm… not really…. It seems it really only occurs in this culture….
Which is a better situation?
To live with a wife who punishes or controls you by witholding sex from you, ultimately forcing you to go out and have a secret affair with another woman who will service you.
OR
To have a wife who witholds sex from you, so you tell her to fall into line, else you will take a concubine into your house and she will have to accept it or divorce you.
OR
To have a wife and tell her that your sex life is fizzled out and perhaps having a concubine might be a good idea if the three of you agree to have sex together.
It has been proved that women thrive in situations where there is competition for a man. That means a man with two women, is likely to have the best from those women sexually, as they both compete for his money, love and affections.
We must not forget that the historical, anthropological evidence proves time and again that man’s intended way of living was as he lived as ancient man. In clans, tribes and communes where there were multiple partners and extended families.
The nuclear one man one woman “western” model does not suit all people, because some women are best for relationships in monogamous fidelity and others, even though they might not think they are, are better in polyamorous arrangements.
“So in reality, China’s not so different from the rest of the world – infidelity may have become the norm again, after a long break under the first flourishes of socialism, but it doesn’t make for an easy life for everyone.”—-Sharp observation! I feel this touches my heart and speaks of my deep voice.
Thank you Heather. 🙂